I have had so many emotions and thoughts running through my heart and soul lately. It has been a rough 3.5 days since Nesta passed. All I want to do is spend my time memorializing him – I’ve been writing, praying, going on our usual walk around the neighborhood – alone, looking through photos and videos and dedicating all my yoga practices to him. I feel that I cannot get back to my normalcy until I am able to fully allow my love for him to express itself in all the ways It needs to. It’s a strange feeling. I have had the hardest time getting back into teaching my weekly yoga classes. I took the entire week and half off teaching when I found out he was terminal, and now that he is gone, I can’t seem to focus and center myself enough to go be a teacher again. I wonder when that will get better? I’m sure my fellow teachers are getting tired of covering my classes. When I teach yoga, I put all my heart into it, and I expend a great deal of energy. I’m afraid of getting emotional while teaching. I have been able to work at the restaurant where I wait tables without much hesitation, I kind of ‘check-out’ there. It’s the leadership of teaching that is so hard for me right now. I guess all of my energy is tied up in grief – I have lost my vigor, I feel so bland and sullen.
Nesta’s passing was very peaceful on Monday night. The vet who came to our home, was new to us. But I knew from reading his website and articles, and after speaking with him several times on the phone, that he was exactly who we were looking for to help us, help Nesta. I believe Nesta knew it was finally the time he had been ready for. He seemed to be very serene and at peace the hours preceding the Dr.’s arrival. He was relaxed and sleepy most of the afternoon, which was not his usual anxious and uncomfortable state as of lately. As soon as Dr. Tillman walked into the door, Nesta greeted him with perfect gentleman behavior, sensing the Dr.’s care and concern for him. He then laid down on his bed closest to the front door (which he had not touched all week) and fell right back asleep, even as Tillman was listening to his heart and giving him an exam – Nesta was this comfortable with the situation! As Nesta took his last precious breaths with his adorable head in my hands, I immediately felt as if I had been wrapped in a warm blanket. The peace that surrounded me was palpable, and I knew it had to be Nesta telling me thank you and I love you.
Nesta is now my very special angel spirit; a huge piece of my heart is his forever.
I am writing a timeline about our 11 years together, with as many specific memories as I can think of. This may take some time, as I know they will continue to come to me. I also plan to write a tribute letter or poem for him. I will post to the blog eventually. So until then….much love.