Follow Up

I have had so many emotions and thoughts running through my heart and soul lately.  It has been a rough 3.5 days since Nesta passed.  All I want to do is spend my time memorializing him – I’ve been writing, praying, going on our usual walk around the neighborhood – alone, looking through photos and videos and dedicating all my yoga practices to him.   I feel that I cannot get back to my normalcy until I am able to fully allow my love for him to express itself in all the ways It needs to.  It’s a strange feeling.  I have had the hardest time getting back into teaching my weekly  yoga classes.  I took the entire week and half off teaching when I found out he was terminal, and now that he is gone, I can’t seem to focus and center myself enough to go be a teacher again.  I wonder when that will get better?  I’m sure my fellow teachers are getting tired of covering my classes.   When I teach yoga, I put all my heart into it, and I expend a great deal of energy.  I’m afraid of getting emotional while teaching.  I have been able to work at the restaurant where I wait tables without much hesitation, I kind of ‘check-out’ there.  It’s the leadership of teaching that is so hard for me right now. I guess all of my energy is tied up in grief – I have lost my vigor, I feel so bland and sullen.

Nesta’s passing was very peaceful on Monday night. The vet who came to our home, was new to us.  But I knew from reading his website and articles, and after speaking with him several times on the phone, that he was exactly who we were looking for to help us, help Nesta.  I believe Nesta knew it was finally the time he had been ready for.   He seemed to be very serene and at peace the hours preceding the Dr.’s arrival.  He was relaxed and sleepy most of the afternoon, which was not his usual anxious and uncomfortable state as of lately.   As soon as Dr. Tillman walked into the door, Nesta greeted him with perfect gentleman behavior, sensing the Dr.’s care and concern for him.   He then laid down on his bed closest to the front door (which he had not touched all week) and fell right back asleep, even as Tillman was listening to his heart and giving him an exam – Nesta was this comfortable with the situation!  As Nesta took his last precious breaths with his adorable head in my hands, I immediately felt as if I had been wrapped in a warm blanket.  The peace that surrounded me was palpable, and I knew it had to be Nesta telling me thank you and I love you.

Nesta is now my very special angel spirit; a huge piece of my heart is his forever.

I am writing a timeline about our 11 years together, with as many specific memories as I can think of.  This may take some time, as I know they will continue to come to me.  I also plan to write a tribute letter or poem for him.  I will post to the blog eventually. So until then….much love.


8 thoughts on “Follow Up”

  1. Kassi,

    I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I can see just from that picture alone what a bond the two of you had. I am sending you a ton of warm hugs and strength during this difficult time. Come to the chat room if you ever need to talk.

    All my love,

  2. Kassi,

    My words can’t even begin to express how sorry I am for your loss.

    All the emotions that you’re feeling are so normal. Please don’t be too hard on yourself, or let others make you feel bad. You need time to work through your grief and to heal.

    I know there are tears every day, but try to remember one happy or funny memory of Nesta every day, too, and see if you can smile. Even if you smile though your tears it’s okay.

    With love,

  3. Ohhhhh Kassi…this is beatiful…a beautiful portrait of love and a beautiful sharing of such genuine and pure emotions.

    You are sooooo connected to Sir Nesta and so tuned into his energy. He was able to comminicate so clearly and he KNEW…..he KNEW…you would understand his wishes. You “heard” and “saw” his wishes he was communicating to you.

    I just left you a post on your other blog so I don’t want to take up your time being redundant, but I hope you’ll have a chance to read it.

    You are such a “giver”…you reach out to people with your heart. When your heart is shattered and broken and wounded, you just cannot give from that place like you are trying to do through the yoga. And I bet you are an outsta ding instructor too! It will return, but right now PLEASE just know this is perfectly “normal”.

    YES! That feeling of the warm blanket you felt as Sir Nesta was freed from his “earth clothes”…..that was Sir Nesta’s soul, spirit, energy surrounding you with his love and gratitude! YES! That is what you were feeling!

    You and Sir Nesta had an incredible connection…an incredible ability to communicate. That bond has not changed. It’s now at even a higher level and he is still able to feel your love as you are his. You gave him the ultimate gift of love and honored his wishes. It was his decision to crossover when he did and he commnicated that to you that entire day knowing you would understand him.

    I jist love the photo you posted today. Nesta has an “understanding” on his face…..a “familiarity of a million mug kisses before and a million mug kisses to continue in the spirit form! Yeah, he absorbed that particular kiss especial and took it with him. He also left that memory here for you through that photo. What a special voy!

    Kassi, Sir Nesta touched al of us and we love him too. A life so well lived and so well loved is a true lofe of mea ing. His life atters. His life makes a difference. His life is an eternal light that can never be dimmed.

    I can just imagine Sir Nesta teaching all the dogs his yoga moves! I bet he’s a great instructor! He certainly was a good teacher here! Sir Nesta the Yogi Master!!

    Sending love from my heart to you and Kyle,

    Sally and Happy Hannah

  4. Kassi.. Sir Nesta is ALWAYS with you.. always will be.. Just close your eyes, open your heart and feel him there. He’s lying right beside you so peaceful and quiet, just waiting for that moment for you to open your heart.
    Be careful though, when you do it.. you will be filled with such love and peace that sometimes, it’s a bit hard to handle.
    And that’s ok.. cause you will cry, and eventually you with smile with the tears.
    No one likes to make that call, no one likes to write that “final post” and none of us like to read them… our hearts break with you, and our cheeks are wet from reading your loving words.
    You were so blessed to be there with him for his final breath.
    He was in control, he decided that it was time, and when the vet showed up, he was probably so thankful and full of love it’s no wonder you felt that warm blanket surrounding you!!
    Run free Nesta!
    Christine….. with Franklin in her heart♥

  5. Perhaps you could step aside from being a teacher for a moment and be the student. Let Nesta teach you. Let him remind you of how to practice calm acceptance. That isn’t the same as being content with his loss, but instead accepting that you did only right and good for him. If you can bring that part of his spirit into your mind, then maybe you can teach his way. Perhaps it is time to teach the way a dog would.

    I wish you peace and comfort and happiness as you remember the good in the life you shared with Nesta. There was so much joy there. It will take you a very long time to remember it all. May that sustain you now while your heart heals.


  6. Kassi-

    It’s OK to feel like you’re not all there. You have just lost a part of yourself and I can tell you that focus takes awhile to return. Everytime you turn around a memory (even though they are precious and wonderful) hits you and takes your breath away. Take some time to grieve in whatever way works best for you.

    What a special bond Sir Nesta and you had and will continue to have even though he is not physically here. He will be beside you forever.

    My heart aches for you. Just know we are thinking of you.

    Luanne and Spirit Shooter

  7. I’m so sorry..I feel your pain as I lost my Maggie almost a month ago now. I’ve been told with time(and it seems lots of it) things will get better…I hope they do for you as well. I can understand how teaching Yoga would bring the sadness into your teachings. Hugs to you..

    Tracy and Spirit Maggie

  8. Sending you lots of love and healing energy to help you through this hard time. Nesta took a piece of your heart but also remains in your heart, forever. The special bond you share will never ever be broken.
    Travis Ray and the Oaktown Pack

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