Two weeks without my Nesta

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It’s been a rough two weeks;  I miss him so much.  It hurts to look at him in all the photos, even though I find myself doing this all the time.  I have never longed to hug someone so bad in my life.  It’s the kind of hug that I know can never be replaced. The kind of hug that is backed by years of history and understanding of each other — our hearts truly beat as one.  For a hug, I would bend down and wrap my arms around his chest, under his arms.  When he had four legs, I would lift him up on his hind legs, this way I could kiss his head and face better.    We were each other’s only family for so long.  As far away as I was from my family, it really never bothered me too much, as long as I had my Nesta boy.

I guess it makes sense he waited until I was back home in NC with my family and new boyfriend, that his body began to develop cancer.  But we were just beginning his golden years.  I joked about him coming to the warm state of NC to retire.  But he was supposed to live a lot longer.  I know, “supposed to”….ha.  Before he was diagnosed in November 2012, he still seemed so resilient and healthy.  He was always such a strong dog; he had hiked to the tops of 14,000 ft. rugged mountains, gone camping in every type of weather including snow, trudged up snowy mountains only to chase me back down them in the tracks of my skis,  ran numerous trails while I biked behind him, chased and been chased by coyotes, bears, moose, deer and skunks, flown across the Atlantic in an airplane so we could live abroad for a year, rode in trains, and even finally learned how to swim once we were in North Carolina!  It honestly never crossed my mind that he might get cancer one day.   I thought I was taking great care of him throughout his life;  feeding him quality food, giving him plenty of exercise and so much love.  But I guess one will never know exactly why or how we develop cancer, it just happens.  And all we can say is ” Well, we have to go somehow” or “It was just his time to go”.

I am in the process of writing a long, and streaming list of memories and timeline of Nesta’s life.  I don’t want to forget a single detail.  After I am done with the timeline and memories, I am not sure what I will do next.  I hope to write a poem or a letter to him.  I will continue to post photos of him throughout life, even before his tripaw days.  The ones that follow this post are a few more from his last days, an air of sadness to them, but I will post happier ones later.

I found an anonymous poem online, but i’m not sure where at this point.  I think maybe someone shared it with me on Facebook.   I promptly pasted it to my memories journal.  I thought you might like to read it as well.  Very sweet, but makes me cry every time, so get ready.

Anonymous Poem, author unknown:

If it should be that I grow weak

And pain should keep me from my sleep,

Then you must do what must be done,

For this last battle cannot be won.

 

You will be sad, I understand.

Don’t let your grief then stay your hand.

For this day, more than all the rest,

Your love for me must stand the test.

 

We’ve had so many happy years.

What is to come can hold no fears.

You’d not want me to suffer so;

The time has come — please let me go.

 

Take me where my need they’ll tend,

And please stay with me till the end.

Hold me firm and speak to me,

Until my eyes no longer see.

 

I know in time that you will see

The kindness that you did for me.

Although my tail its last has waved,

From pain and suffering I’ve been saved.

 

Please do not grieve — it must be you

Who had this painful thing to do.

We’ve been so close, we two, these years;

Don’t let your heart hold back its tears.

 

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The Saturday before he passed on Monday.  He let us take pictures like crazy.  I love his paws.  They have been so many places!
The Saturday before he passed on Monday. He let us take pictures like crazy. I love his paws. They have been so many places!
His last weekend.  This was a better day for Nesta.
His last weekend. This was a better day for Nesta.
My Dad came over for a visit, he loves my Dad and his awesome head rubs.
My Dad came over for a visit, he loves my Dad and his awesome head rubs.
Beautiful hand-carved wooden box holds Nesta's ashes.  Nesta's clay paw print.  Willow Tree  'Angel of Friendship'.  Wild flowers I picked and Kyle carried home from our bike ride the day after.  Nesta would have enjoyed biting the tops of the flowers off.
Beautiful hand-carved wooden box holds Nesta’s ashes. Nesta’s clay paw print. Willow Tree ‘Angel of Friendship’. Wild flowers I picked and Kyle carried home from our bike ride the day after. Nesta would have enjoyed biting the tops of the flowers off.


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7 thoughts on “Two weeks without my Nesta”

  1. The loss is deep we all know who have lost. But your memories keep Nesta alive with you and with others who you share he’s remarkable life with. With time sorrow is slowly replaced by smiles and laughter from our memories.
    Your photos of Nesta are beautiful he was a dignified and handsome boy.

    Esther and her Snoop

  2. What a beautiful tribute to your baby. I am so very sorry for the pain you are feeling and the loss you feel in your heart. I can clearly see from the pictures and through your words that the two of you shared a deep bond. He will live on through you and your memories.

    All my love,
    Erica

  3. Sometimes memories sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks… and that is okay with us!

    From your words… and your pictures… I can tell you one thing… He had a GREAT time while he was here! I am sure he thanked you for it up to the last moment. He loved you to the last beat of his heart…

    Please share with us.. share his pictures.. share his story.. and share more pictures! We love pictures.. it does our hearts good to let everyone here know how special our sweet boys were…

    Christine….. with Franklin in her heart♥

  4. Now THAT’S a perfect example of a soul mate! Truly one heart!

    Kassi, you expressed your relationship beautifully!

    The pictures show the genleness of Sir Nesta, but I have to say, the joy in tnat dog’s eyes and the smile on his face as he was getting his awesome head rubs…..he’s loving that!

    And I love the significance of those magnificent paws and that you were able to have his paw impression as a keepsake. Those paws hold a lot of wo derful life affirming memories for you.

    That was a lovely poem…thank you for sharing that.

    Kassi, you and Sir Nesta shared a very sacred journey, a very special one that will ALWAYS connect you! He is your teacher and you got that. He will carrythe love you shared with him, just as he leaves nis love for you safely tucked in your heart…always, always there. Nesta is still your guide, just follow the path he lights up for you.

    We love Nesta too and his presence here has touched us all. Sir Nesta will never be forgotten, okay?

    Now, when you can, sit quietly in a special place outside…you know which place I’m talking avout…..yeah, that one. Get in that meditative state that you know so well…..the breath….the letting go…..and now let your heart warm as you feel the wo derful hugs you and Nesta shared…..those hugs that merged your souls into one were there was nothing separating your single flame…………breathit in…..yeah…..thats it……Nesta’s kissing you right now……….

    Surroundg you with Sir Nesta’s eternal grace,

    Sally and Happy Hannah

  5. What a beautiful tribute to Sir Nesta. That bond will always be there. I totally understand what you are feeling. Remember he had a GREAT life.

    You have great memories of him that is the positive thing and he will always be by your side.

    Hugs
    Michelle & Angel Sassy

  6. I’m sorry it’s so rough, Kassi. They say it’s the price we pay for opening our hearts.

    I love the picture of your dad rubbing Nesta’s head. I really love Nesta’s ears! He had so much personality and I do enjoy seeing your pictures of him.

    Keep writing about him. It helps to remember all the little things, and it helps to find peace with it all.

    Shari

  7. Kassi, I agree, we would love to read more about the pawesome life that you and Nesta shared, so write away.

    That poem brought tears to my eyes. I’ve seen it before but it brings back those emotions every time I read it. The heartache of having to be the one to set our best friend free…I’m not sure one ever really gets over it if you’ve been lucky to have that one forever dog. Even five years after Jerry’s passing, I still get watery-eyed knowing that he is not coming back in this life. I know what you are feeling and I am so, so sorry.

    But writing? Well it’s cathartic and it helps so much. I’m happy that you are finding it in you to do it, please do share, we are waiting to read more.

    Hugs and love coming your way.

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