Category: Uncategorized

Time just goes by, doesn’t it?  After posting the last update, last November, I felt a little weird about posting pictures of our new babies on Nesta’s blog, so I didn’t.  And I haven’t visited this blog since then.  But time heals and I have realized many things over the past year.  One is that I feel Nesta certainly had a hand in the picking out these two new babies that we came into our lives so soon after his passing.  While my relationship with Nesta can never be replicated, these two new dogs have helped me so much through the process of healing.  And interestingly, I have developed in my mind, connections between my new dogs and Nesta. For one, the bernese mountain dog is the dog I always wanted, even before Nesta.  My friend’s mom breeds them.  She was given to me about a month after Nesta passed, in October 2013, she was 2.5 years old, born on Christmas eve, 2010.  So she was alive when Nesta was alive, living at the farm, waiting patiently for the day I would arrive and take her home.   I think about what Nest and I were doing on her birthday, Dec. 24, 2010.  We were snowshoeing in the backcountry of beautiful Steamboat Springs, CO.  Something I just know Delilah would have LOVED!!  I only wish she and Nesta could have been friends during the 2.5 years they shared the same time on Earth.  I think they would have loved each other.  So I believe Nesta led me to my friend’s farm, to bring Delilah home from the small fenced in square she has been living in.  He knew she was my destiny.

One the other hand, while Nesta was bearing his last few days on Earth, he sensed another close-by puppy in need.  This puppy was born eight days before Nesta passed.  So they too, shared some of the same time on Earth.  He was an “accident” born under a house whose mother was a sweet and crippled Rottweiler.  Eventually these pups would need homes, as the owner of the house could not take care of mom, dad and 7 puppies.   Kyle and I took charge and found homes for 4 of them, including ours, and sent the other three away to a trustworthy rescue organization.  I hope those pups found loving homes.  I know Nesta wanted us to save one, their birthdays were 2 days apart.  I enjoy comparing what I was doing in 2004 when Nesta was a year old, compared to what I am doing 10 years later when Woody is a year old.   We were doing different things, and they have pretty different personalities.  I learned SO much from Nesta.  I am thankful everyday for that time in my life.

Then, about two weeks after we got the new dogs, a stray kitten came into our lives.  Completely unexpected, this kitten found us.  This kitten who had been looking for a home, meowing at every doorstep, saw us walking the dogs on a cold night in November.   He ran to us, rubbed against the dogs’ legs, and then followed us home.  The rest is history.   Crazy to acquire three new animals in less than a month, but that’s the way it happened.  Our hearts were wide open thanks to the love from Nesta, my first, and Tahoe and Sierra, Kyle’s firsts.   This is our first cat, he is really a sweet heart.    SO without further ado,  meet Woody the Rottweiler mix, Delilah the Bernese Mountain Girl, and Milky the cat.

Gosh, I need to do some catching up around here.  A lot has happened in the past few weeks and yet not changed much at the same time. You know how that goes…  My heart is still trying to heal, from the pain of loosing Nesta.  It’s still very surreal and hard to believe at times that he is gone.   It’s hard to explain how I feel most of the time.  But I am writing a letter to Nesta, soon to be here on his blog.  I am also still working on his life’s timeline with every memory I can remember.  But I have taken a hiatus from writing about him lately, and I am not sure why.  I think that sometimes it’s just easier to not deal with the emotions and pain.  But then some days I crave the feeling of those emotions, and so I write.   It’s a personal process I suppose.   I have this fear that If I don’t get it all out right away, then I will forget something.  I’m afraid the intensity of the pain will subside before I am finished writing about him and that will cause me to not say everything I want and need to say.  But these are all silly fears, I know.  And I also know that everything happens just as it should in due time.

I celebrated my birthday on Oct. 25th, and that would have been mine and Nesta’s 11th anniversary together.   I got him as a puppy  as a gift to myself on my 24th birthday;  he was irresistible and only 7 weeks old.  11 years was not long enough, yet it was long enough – to create this immense and lasting love that I could not have even begun to imagine.   Our souls were attached at hello, and throughout the following 11 years, we created a relationship that can never be replicated again.

Well anyway, meanwhile in other news……..

On Oct. 18th I was in Lexington, NC, visiting my best friend from College, Lindsay, who was home from California visiting her family.  Her family has always been a favorite of mine.  They live in a beautiful log cabin on 50+ acres and her mom has been breeding Bernese Mountain dogs as long as I have known her.  No puppies were there at the time I was visiting, but they still have about 8 of the dogs who live in kennels on the property.  I of course always want to say hello to the dogs, it had been so long since I had seen them.  Deborah, Lindsay’s mom, mentioned to me there was one 2.5 year old whom she would like to try and adopt out.  Of course, I perked up because I had wanted one of her dogs since college, but then Nesta came into my life, and that had been laid to to the side.  This ‘extra’ 2.5 year old female had not been used to breed nor had been sold, because she has a defect in her eyes.  Her third eyelid shows all the time.   And so I called Kyle to get approval that I was thinking about spontaneously bringing home a new dog, and that she was big!

Kyle and I had been talking about dogs a lot lately, and we knew it was pending that we would soon be getting a puppy from his friend who accidentally had puppies born on his land.  We had talked about getting two dogs, as we have been blown away lately at all the dogs who need homes around here.  If we had a larger house, we would probably even try to fit 3 dogs, or for heaven’s sake, maybe even 4!  So despite all the talk of adopting one from a rescue, he quickly agreed for me to bring home this loving and beautiful adolescent Bernese Mountain dog.  So I brought her home and we fell in love quite quickly and named her Delilah.  Ten days later, we brought home the new 8 week old puppy.  The puppy is a mix bread – his mom is full Rottweiller and his dad is a mix who knows what!  It took us days to figure out a name for him and finally landed on Woody or Batman, or Woody Batman.  We are calling him Woody.  He is adorable, and really full of himself.  He and Delilah are getting along just fine, although there is an 80 pound weight difference right now.   We are all one happy pack, and I’m glad to feel happiness around dogs again.  Delilah has especially taken a liking to me; she is the sweetest thing!

And so it goes, life moves ever onward.  The love I have in my heart for Nesta will never be replaced.  And I already feel that my love for these dogs is heading down a different kind of path than my love for Nesta did.  And I guess that is okay.  I want my Nesta back, and I would do anything in my power to get him back if I knew I could.  But like my Dad has mentioned to me several times – the elasticity of the heart.   My heart is like elastic, it can hold infinite amounts of love, all different shapes, sizes and kinds of love at that!  So I chalk it up for whatever that’s worth and move on with my life; holding Nesta in my heart throughout eternity.

It’s been a rough two weeks;  I miss him so much.  It hurts to look at him in all the photos, even though I find myself doing this all the time.  I have never longed to hug someone so bad in my life.  It’s the kind of hug that I know can never be replaced. The kind of hug that is backed by years of history and understanding of each other — our hearts truly beat as one.  For a hug, I would bend down and wrap my arms around his chest, under his arms.  When he had four legs, I would lift him up on his hind legs, this way I could kiss his head and face better.    We were each other’s only family for so long.  As far away as I was from my family, it really never bothered me too much, as long as I had my Nesta boy.

I guess it makes sense he waited until I was back home in NC with my family and new boyfriend, that his body began to develop cancer.  But we were just beginning his golden years.  I joked about him coming to the warm state of NC to retire.  But he was supposed to live a lot longer.  I know, “supposed to”….ha.  Before he was diagnosed in November 2012, he still seemed so resilient and healthy.  He was always such a strong dog; he had hiked to the tops of 14,000 ft. rugged mountains, gone camping in every type of weather including snow, trudged up snowy mountains only to chase me back down them in the tracks of my skis,  ran numerous trails while I biked behind him, chased and been chased by coyotes, bears, moose, deer and skunks, flown across the Atlantic in an airplane so we could live abroad for a year, rode in trains, and even finally learned how to swim once we were in North Carolina!  It honestly never crossed my mind that he might get cancer one day.   I thought I was taking great care of him throughout his life;  feeding him quality food, giving him plenty of exercise and so much love.  But I guess one will never know exactly why or how we develop cancer, it just happens.  And all we can say is ” Well, we have to go somehow” or “It was just his time to go”.

I am in the process of writing a long, and streaming list of memories and timeline of Nesta’s life.  I don’t want to forget a single detail.  After I am done with the timeline and memories, I am not sure what I will do next.  I hope to write a poem or a letter to him.  I will continue to post photos of him throughout life, even before his tripaw days.  The ones that follow this post are a few more from his last days, an air of sadness to them, but I will post happier ones later.

I found an anonymous poem online, but i’m not sure where at this point.  I think maybe someone shared it with me on Facebook.   I promptly pasted it to my memories journal.  I thought you might like to read it as well.  Very sweet, but makes me cry every time, so get ready.

Anonymous Poem, author unknown:

If it should be that I grow weak

And pain should keep me from my sleep,

Then you must do what must be done,

For this last battle cannot be won.

 

You will be sad, I understand.

Don’t let your grief then stay your hand.

For this day, more than all the rest,

Your love for me must stand the test.

 

We’ve had so many happy years.

What is to come can hold no fears.

You’d not want me to suffer so;

The time has come — please let me go.

 

Take me where my need they’ll tend,

And please stay with me till the end.

Hold me firm and speak to me,

Until my eyes no longer see.

 

I know in time that you will see

The kindness that you did for me.

Although my tail its last has waved,

From pain and suffering I’ve been saved.

 

Please do not grieve — it must be you

Who had this painful thing to do.

We’ve been so close, we two, these years;

Don’t let your heart hold back its tears.

 

I have had so many emotions and thoughts running through my heart and soul lately.  It has been a rough 3.5 days since Nesta passed.  All I want to do is spend my time memorializing him – I’ve been writing, praying, going on our usual walk around the neighborhood – alone, looking through photos and videos and dedicating all my yoga practices to him.   I feel that I cannot get back to my normalcy until I am able to fully allow my love for him to express itself in all the ways It needs to.  It’s a strange feeling.  I have had the hardest time getting back into teaching my weekly  yoga classes.  I took the entire week and half off teaching when I found out he was terminal, and now that he is gone, I can’t seem to focus and center myself enough to go be a teacher again.  I wonder when that will get better?  I’m sure my fellow teachers are getting tired of covering my classes.   When I teach yoga, I put all my heart into it, and I expend a great deal of energy.  I’m afraid of getting emotional while teaching.  I have been able to work at the restaurant where I wait tables without much hesitation, I kind of ‘check-out’ there.  It’s the leadership of teaching that is so hard for me right now. I guess all of my energy is tied up in grief – I have lost my vigor, I feel so bland and sullen.

Nesta’s passing was very peaceful on Monday night. The vet who came to our home, was new to us.  But I knew from reading his website and articles, and after speaking with him several times on the phone, that he was exactly who we were looking for to help us, help Nesta.  I believe Nesta knew it was finally the time he had been ready for.   He seemed to be very serene and at peace the hours preceding the Dr.’s arrival.  He was relaxed and sleepy most of the afternoon, which was not his usual anxious and uncomfortable state as of lately.   As soon as Dr. Tillman walked into the door, Nesta greeted him with perfect gentleman behavior, sensing the Dr.’s care and concern for him.   He then laid down on his bed closest to the front door (which he had not touched all week) and fell right back asleep, even as Tillman was listening to his heart and giving him an exam – Nesta was this comfortable with the situation!  As Nesta took his last precious breaths with his adorable head in my hands, I immediately felt as if I had been wrapped in a warm blanket.  The peace that surrounded me was palpable, and I knew it had to be Nesta telling me thank you and I love you.

Nesta is now my very special angel spirit; a huge piece of my heart is his forever.

I am writing a timeline about our 11 years together, with as many specific memories as I can think of.  This may take some time, as I know they will continue to come to me.  I also plan to write a tribute letter or poem for him.  I will post to the blog eventually. So until then….much love.

So just to keep this thing updated, I have cut and pasted my last two posts in my “Need Advice Quick” topic in the forum.  Mainly because I don’t feel like I could possibly re-hash all the fear and frustration I was feeling on this day – Monday, 9/16.   I was glued to Tripawds on this day, in desperate need of any advice or support that anyone could offer.  I knew in my deepest gut what I needed to do for Nesta, but I was having an extremely hard time accepting it.  I was literally hanging on to the last words of people on the forum, waiting to hear them tell me that it was okay to go ahead and make the call.   Shew, what a support system in a time of need!   I just hope that I will soon be able to be that person for others in this same situation.

As a way to honor and remember some of their kind words of encouragement, I have cut and pasted the last half of the thread on here.  But I also wanted to mention that it wasn’t only through this forum post where I received the support.  I was offered support through the comments on my other blog posts, private messages, given phone numbers and emails to use – which I did!  I also found a great deal of support by reading other’s blogs and understanding their own stories and perspectives.  All of it was a true God-send.

Here is the last half of my blog post:

 

Oh, Kassi,

I’m so sorry. I know this is such a difficult decision. Please try not to feel guilty. You’re vet said it very wisely, take comfort from those words. And know that Nesta loves you and knows that everything you do is to help him.

You will get through this. You will be sad, but that’s okay. And we will all be sad with you and be here for you. You will have many thoughts and prayers with you tonight and in the days ahead.

With love,
Carol

 

I’m thinking of you and Nesta now, much love and prayers.

Kat and A’Tuin

 

Us here, too.  I gave Jackson an extra kiss and toy toss in Nesta’s honor.  Nesta will no longer be in pain…but always in your heart.  You’re doing the right thing.

~ Katy & Jackson

 

I’m so sorry Kassi. Please know that your feelings and indecisiveness is something we ALL go through at this point in the journey. It’s human nature, don’t beat yourself up. But I know that what led you to make that call was your heart. Listening to it isn’t something humans are very good at but when they do, the world around them eventually makes sense. It will someday for you too, but until then, this is just going to really, really suck.

My heart goes out to you. Nesta will always be loved and adored here. Please remember he won’t ever be forgotten in your pack or ours.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

 

I am sending you tons of love and hugs and strength.  I can’t imagine how tough this is.  I am so sorry you have to go through this 

All my love,

Erica

 

 

 

Last night was not a good night for Nesta.  I can tell he is so uncomfortable.  Sunday was not as good as Saturday, by the end of the night, he was back to being nauseous with no appetite for anything.  I can tell he is fighting with all he has.  He is so bony these days.  It has been about a week and half since he hasn’t been eating well.  He coughs a lot more than usual, (he’s always  been the dog who hacks here and there, like something is caught in his throat).  But now it’s as if something is really caught in his throat.  He is still drinking more water than usual, and his gums remain nice and pink lately.  But he’s so weak and has a hard time holding himself up off the ground when he tries to poop out what little he has to offer.  When I lay with him, he is so restless.  Can’t get comfortable, and jumps every now and then as if something is hurting him.

This morning, I have been thinking about calling the Vet back again.  This time feels more appropriate to me, although I still feel cowardly.  We had a great weekend together, the three of us, with several visits from family.  I think Nesta was holding out for that, because he knew we needed that closure.  Today, he seems to be looking at me with a lost look in his eyes.  When I go to snuggle with him, I loose it and start to cry as special memories begin to creep into  my thoughts.  He licks my nose and face and then re-adjusts himself to get a better look in my eyes.  I have been hiding my tears from him for the most part this week, but today, I need him to experience them.

I did my yoga practice this morning; he is usually always on the floor beside me during my morning ritual.  When he heard my mat roll out, and my breathing begin to deepen, he did what he always does.  He rallied yet again, hopped into the living room and plopped down on his bed beside my yoga mat.

Is it time, is it not time, is it time, is it not time?  Oh, some things seem so normal, but mostly, I know, he is not normal, and I don’t think that old normal with ever be back again.  And then to confirm that for me, he jumps and fidgets again as if something is eating his insides.  And then he looks at me with wide, irritated eyes.  I think he’s ready to be happy and feeling good again.  I don’t think he has time for this anymore.

Just wanted to share a few photos we took yesterday of Nesta wearing his new magic bandana.  Ever since he’s been wearing it, he has felt a little better!  So we shall keep wearing it!

Today was the day we had set for  the appointment. I made it in a desperate state of mind yesterday for 9am this morning.  Nesta was nauseous and extremely lethargic and disinterested for most of the day yesterday.  We discovered Pepcid AC helps tremendously with the nausea and then I remembered we had some Tramadol from Kyle’s dog Tahoe.  These together seemed to help him feel better toward last night and I could not believe how relaxed and engaging he was when I returned from work.  This morning, I woke at 6am and called the vet to push our time back to 1pm, I still hesitated as I had a feeling today would be a good day.  The weather is beautiful – felt like Fall as soon as we took him out to pee this morning.  Standing outside in the cool morning air, watching Nesta bounce around the yard as he sniffed and pee’d, I could tell things were going to be different today.  He was acting more like himself once again.  How could I possibly say goodbye when he is acting more like himself than he had been all week?  I called again at 11:15 to call it off with his “appointment to transcendance”.  Today is not the day.

We believe his turn around to be a combination of things:  Nesta LOVES fall weather, and all week last week it was hot and humid.   Kyle was home, and that was the first time all week he had been there in the morning.  I think he feels more complete when we are all together.  And the new medications have helped him feel better.  But we understand that you can put a “bandaid” on anything, and it will relieve the symptoms for at least a little while –  a little while.

All day be has rallied.  We have had the windows open in the house, so he hears things going on in the neighborhood  and diligently barks at any off noise, follows us around the house, and plops down on the floor in whatever room we are in.  My dad came over to see him one last time; we sat outside in the front yard on a blanket and he snuggled with my Dad taking advantage of his awesome head rubs.  Still, his appetite is not quite right.  We try everything with him, and we never know if he will like it or not.  If he does like it, he usually eats a bite or two and then turns his nose away.  Pizza is his most favorite naughty snack, so we ordered one today for lunch, and boy that was the most interested in food I have seen him all week!   For dinner, we cooked him a chicken breast and he gobbled that right up as well.   So that’s something to be happy about.  Feeding Nesta and seeing him happily devour it has always brought me joy.  His sweet little belly continues to look swollen, and he is not interested in walks in the neighborhood anymore.  He did, however, walk all the way down the steep hill in our backyard tonight, he also did this on our other “good” day.

Right now, I’m trying to enjoy his presence and know that each day is a gift from God.  I don’t know how long he will remain stable like this, but I will take it while I can.  …One day at a time….  Oh, and we DID get his beautiful blue Tripawds bandana in the mail on Thursday, and like Jerry said,  it must have magical healing powers!  He looks so dapper in it, and I can’t wait to get the photos downloaded so I can share them soon!

 

I have managed to be at home with Nesta all week, until today.  I must go into work for a few hours tonight.  I hate this because we are really coming down to the wire here.  He is not well.  In every sense of the word – he is miserable.  There is not quality left to his life at this time, other than receiving infinite love and affection from me, and Kyle.  When Kyle comes home from work to check on us, he wags his tail, but does not get up.  He has not eaten a single thing that I have offered him.  He is nauseous, constantly smacking his lips and drooling and turning side to side.  He will not lay on any of his beds, we have one in every room practically.  We have managed to get him outside once this afternoon, and he does it just to please us.  He does not pee, he only just plops down in the grass.

It’s going to be a surreal night at work, I’m so upset I have to go in.  But maybe it will be good for me to see the world for a little bit today.   I have not called to make the appointment for tomorrow yet, but I guess I need to go and do that now.  Please pray for him tonight – pray that he is able to hang in there for one more night, until tomorrow when he will have that wonderful opportunity to transcend this life into another.   Pray there is no crisis between now and then.

 

 

We are in the midst of the ups and downs, I suppose.  Nesta puked Tuesday night – a lot.  I think it was a result of giving him ground beef for dinner, which he enthusiastically scarfed down.  He never eats red meet and he ate a lot of it, which he probably doesn’t have room for in his stomach now because of the tumors taking up all the space.  So I am chalking it up to that.    And then yesterday morning, he did the same thing afte drinking a lot of water.  He was super lethargic and didn’t move from one spot in the house all day, seriously, for 10 hours.

But then last night, his gleam and glitter came back and he was walking around the house, drinking while standing at his water bowl, and interested in what I was cooking for dinner – just like always.  This morning he still seems more alive than he did yesterday- so much more interested and following me around the house!!  I’m so happy to see this, I love having my shadow back, but UGH, this is the most frustrating week ever!!!

Yesterday I even called the home hospice/euthanasia to make a potential appointment for today, but now it seems Nesta is trying to show me he’s okay.  He’s still weak and is not interested in going for walks.  But inside the house I can tell he wants to be with me, I feel guilty for spending so much time on my laptop lately.  I feel like I have been glued to TriPawds this week.  Thank God for this community!  I now wish I had been more diligent in writing posts about our days over the past 9.5 months.  There is so much we did, so much adventure, so much fun!   I guess I can go back in time and jot down some stories to remember.  Im trying not to have regrets about anything , but of course I do.  I just ordered his “Tripawds Rule” Bandana early this week, and he hasn’t even gotten to wear it yet!!!!!  Why didn’t I order it 9 months ago???  It could be broken in, stained and and beaten up by now.

All I want to do is lay on the floor with my boy and talk to him and try to figure out how he feels about all this.  I am even thinking about contacting a pet communicator, even though I feel I can read him already.  But I feel like they could provide some insight.  I wonder if anyone here has used a pet psychic before?  Here is a blurb from one’s website that I found today online:

 “Facing an animal companions dying process and death may be one of the toughest things we will ever go through in our lifetime.  Let Amanda help make this difficult time a little more comfortable for you and your beloved animal family.  She can   easily relay your animals’ perspective on what they are experiencing and what you can do as their caregiver to ease their journey into the Afterlife.”

 Amanda states:  “Communicating with animals that are nearing their passing and animals that have already passed is by far my favorite part of this work.  I feel a very special connection with animals that are nearing their departure or are no longer in their physical form. 

 “It brings me great joy and satisfaction to assist humans in finding the comfort and peace of mind, in knowing that death is not the end for dear animal friends; it may in fact be the beginning of a new and exciting journey for the two of them together.”