It’s been a rough two weeks; I miss him so much. It hurts to look at him in all the photos, even though I find myself doing this all the time. I have never longed to hug someone so bad in my life. It’s the kind of hug that I know can never be replaced. The kind of hug that is backed by years of history and understanding of each other — our hearts truly beat as one. For a hug, I would bend down and wrap my arms around his chest, under his arms. When he had four legs, I would lift him up on his hind legs, this way I could kiss his head and face better. We were each other’s only family for so long. As far away as I was from my family, it really never bothered me too much, as long as I had my Nesta boy.
I guess it makes sense he waited until I was back home in NC with my family and new boyfriend, that his body began to develop cancer. But we were just beginning his golden years. I joked about him coming to the warm state of NC to retire. But he was supposed to live a lot longer. I know, “supposed to”….ha. Before he was diagnosed in November 2012, he still seemed so resilient and healthy. He was always such a strong dog; he had hiked to the tops of 14,000 ft. rugged mountains, gone camping in every type of weather including snow, trudged up snowy mountains only to chase me back down them in the tracks of my skis, ran numerous trails while I biked behind him, chased and been chased by coyotes, bears, moose, deer and skunks, flown across the Atlantic in an airplane so we could live abroad for a year, rode in trains, and even finally learned how to swim once we were in North Carolina! It honestly never crossed my mind that he might get cancer one day. I thought I was taking great care of him throughout his life; feeding him quality food, giving him plenty of exercise and so much love. But I guess one will never know exactly why or how we develop cancer, it just happens. And all we can say is ” Well, we have to go somehow” or “It was just his time to go”.
I am in the process of writing a long, and streaming list of memories and timeline of Nesta’s life. I don’t want to forget a single detail. After I am done with the timeline and memories, I am not sure what I will do next. I hope to write a poem or a letter to him. I will continue to post photos of him throughout life, even before his tripaw days. The ones that follow this post are a few more from his last days, an air of sadness to them, but I will post happier ones later.
I found an anonymous poem online, but i’m not sure where at this point. I think maybe someone shared it with me on Facebook. I promptly pasted it to my memories journal. I thought you might like to read it as well. Very sweet, but makes me cry every time, so get ready.
Anonymous Poem, author unknown:
If it should be that I grow weak
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then you must do what must be done,
For this last battle cannot be won.
You will be sad, I understand.
Don’t let your grief then stay your hand.
For this day, more than all the rest,
Your love for me must stand the test.
We’ve had so many happy years.
What is to come can hold no fears.
You’d not want me to suffer so;
The time has come — please let me go.
Take me where my need they’ll tend,
And please stay with me till the end.
Hold me firm and speak to me,
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time that you will see
The kindness that you did for me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I’ve been saved.
Please do not grieve — it must be you
Who had this painful thing to do.
We’ve been so close, we two, these years;
Don’t let your heart hold back its tears.
